May 17, 2011

More Estonian graffiti. This one opportunely matched the theme of the post-conference convention, which opportunely matched my recent outlook. Nearing an interval, between jobs, projects, routines, possibly homes, the tone of my life is well captured by that green spray-painted word and its angular arrows. Now is a perfect time for nostalgia and counterfactualism. This is not how it had to be, and yet it is. There’s a pessimism and an activism and an overriding sense of multiple, overlapping, disrupted temporalities. I am haunted and impelled by the expectations of the past, its prolific illusions. So much is unfulfilled, yet it’s a miracle that anything got done at all. But I now get to do things I only ever thought would happen in the distant future. Yet this future that I live in is decidedly unlike the one I imagined at the end of last millennium. And still I return to old haunts, hang out with friends, family, fen, and the past blasts on. Everything is as if from a retro poster advertising another world. I don’t know which I’ll live in, beyond these next few months, this last interlude when I imagine and ask for possible worlds, and wait to see what becomes given.


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